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Hello and welcome to High-AchievingWomen. com. This site was developed to serve as a resource for high-achieving women, a place where you can visit to share and celebrate your accomplishments, express your frustrations, and along the way hopefully learn strategies and get ideas to help make your hectic, overscheduled, and pressure-filled lives a little less stressful. Please feel free to use this blog to ask questions, share your thoughts and experiences, seek advice, and learn from others who live similar lives.
What a great concept. I have enjoyed the postings so far. My frustration is different. I am an administrator at the School Board. In that role, I am constantly viewed differently than my male colleagues when I have to be firm and set limits on teacher/employee behavior. Even if I use the same words as "Bob" or "John," I am seen as being the bitch and they are seen as decisive and in control. When I get home, if I say anything to make changes or set a tone with my children, I am told "Stop acting like you are still at work bossing people around." I am not trying to be a "bitch" or "boss people around." This is just me. It is how I act and think and feel. Does anyone else experience similar situations?
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Jenn, not only have I repeatedly heard from so many high-achieving women that they experience exactly what you're describing, I have seen it happen time and time again to female colleagues and have experienced it myself. Most of my work is done in the legal system, which historically has been a male-dominated profession (although that is quickly changing with current figures showing that over 50% of law students are female). After all, the law is a system (like many other business systems) that was developed exclusively by men so the "rules of the game" were made up by men.
When I first entered the system, it was infuriating and at the same time confusing for me to see women who have direct, assertive, and self-confident communication styles get labeled as "bitchy," "aggressive," and/or a host of other negative descriptors while men who use the same words get described as "confident" and "assertive." For years, I would just shake my head when I saw it happening, wondering how the standards could be so different? And even more surprising was that it wasn't just men throwing out the derogatory labels - it was women, too!
And then a very good friend suggested that I read Deborah Tannen's book, Talking from 9 to 5: Women and Men at Work. It was one of the best pieces of advice I've ever gotten so I am passing along the advice to you - buy it and read it. It's all about what you're talking about and experiencing. I'll just give you a quick excerpt on point:
"In order to avoid being put in the one-down position, many men have developed strategies for making sure they get the one-up position instead, and this results in ways of talking that serve them well ... women are more likely to speak in the styles that are less effective in getting recognized or promoted. But if they speak in the styles that are effective when used by men - being assertive, sounding sure of themselves, talking up what they've done to make sure they get credit for it - they run the risk that everyone runs if they do not fit in their culture's expectations for appropriate behavior: They will not not be liked and may even be seen as having psychological problems. Both women and men pay a price if they do not behave in ways expected of their gender. Men who are not very aggressive are called "wimps," whereas women who are not very aggressive are called "feminine." Men who are aggressive are called "go-getters," though if they go too far ... they may be called "arrogant." This can hurt them, but not nearly as much as the innumerable labels for women who are thought to be too aggressive - starting with the most hurtful one: bitch."
Reading this book helped me immeasureably to understand why and how this happens. I also believe what I learned from the book has given me an edge when communicating with co-workers and colleagues - both men and women. That's not to say you or anyone else should necessarily change their communication style - as you said, it is how you act and think and feel, and there's nothing necessarily wrong with that. But at least for me, it answered a lot of questions.
I'd love to hear from others about their experiences with this double standard and how they handle it. And Jenn, if you get the book, please send another note after you read it to let us know what you thought of it.
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I am so fascinated by this site. I have never seen honest discussions like this about working womens issues happen anywhere else. I can't wait to read the book! Are there any workshops that you are going to offer on this topic?
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Thanks! Please spread the word! The more women we have participating, the more everyone will get out of it.
As far as speaking engagements, I am in the process of trying to set up some workshops through various women's organizations on these important topics. I will post what I schedule as soon as it gets set up to let everyone know. But if you know of any workshop organizers who are looking for speakers on women's issues, I'd be happy to discuss topics with them.
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I would love to get some information about why we marry the type of men we marry. It is so frustrating when the place that is the most relaxing is my job and the place that is the most stressful is my home. I feel that I have complete control of things at work and no control of what happens at home. I feel so competent at work and so incompetent at home. It is so puzzling to me. Does anyone discuss things like this on this blog?
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Stephanie, I think we sometimes marry with the expectation that our husbands will come around to seeing the world the same way that we do, or that we will be able to tolerate their different style. Problem is, we are rarely able to do either. I find the same frustration, but I have learned to accept some things, and go out and howl at the moon at other things. I have also found that talking to other women with similar styles to me is helpful in arriving at coping strategies. I still struggle with it though. I think it is one of the biggest challenges as well.
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I'd need to know more details about what exactly is happening at home between you and your husband that makes you feel so incompetent there in order to best answer your question, but generally speaking, it's not uncommon for high-achieving women to have problems in their relationships. Most typically, the problems take one of two forms.
One is that high-achieving women typically don't fit the "traditional" relationship pattern of "man is breadwinner; wife needs man to be breadwinner for social status and financial well-being." High-achieving women earn their own "bread" and achieve their own status with or without a husband. While some men may be attracted to this independence, it also may make them feel threatened and insecure. They may worry, "If she can do it all on her own, what does she need me for?" These fears often are compounded by the fact that many high-achieving women don't recognize (or if they do recognize they don't openly acknowledge) their own needs for support, attention, affection, etc. Some fear that if they show they have these needs, they will seem weak and dependent. Yet, we all have needs and when these needs are unmet, it can lead to resentment and disappointment. Obviously, this causes relationship problems, hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and conflict.
A second relationship pattern that high-achieving women often find themselves in is when the man marries the high-achieving woman to boost his own status and publically seems to enjoy the fact that his wife is so accomplished and respected. Yet, privately, he resents her and treats her disrespectfully, in some cases abusively. In her eyes, no matter what she does at home, it's never right. He's highly critical, doesn't celebrate her accomplishments, and in some cases may minimize her accomplishments. Why do accomplished women stay in such relationships? There are many reasons. Some may stay for the children. Some may feel, deep down inside, that they aren't as great or accomplished as other people think. They credit "luck" for their accomplishments rather than their abilities and skills.
Obviously, either situation only adds more stress to what usually are already stressful lives. The choices are to leave everything status quo and just live with the added stress, get therapy, or make a change, which in some cases may mean ending the relationship or at the very least having a serious reality check discussion with the spouse.
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