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So the other day, I was sitting at my computer, reading an article on children and stress (after all, that is one of my areas of specialization), when an email from my 7th grade daughter's teacher popped up in my box. She was asking me why my daughter - we'll call her J - who has a 4.0 average in a gifted middle school curriculum, seems so stressed out about her grades. Well, truth be told, it said a little more than that. What the teacher wrote was:

"As you know I am VERY fond of J; she is the star of the play we are now doing and is fantastic ... however, as someone who is certified as a guidance counselor and has two graduate degrees in psychology, I cannot help but notice how stressed she is. She is a straight A student in gifted classes ... yet, she is constantly worrying and stressing over grades. I mean on one quiz she was upset because it was "only a 93" - the irony is that we cannot give anyone an A+ so it matters little if it is a 93 or a 99. Why is she so worried??? I am worried about her being so so so worried. I would like to see her relax and enjoy her beauty, humor, and intelligence instead of being so stressed. She's a wonderful girl. Can we talk about this?"

Can we talk about this? Sure, was my first reaction, but J's not stressed out. She's a perfectly normal middle schooler (well, as normal as a middle schooler can be).

 

But then the psychologist in me kicked in (I hate when that happens!) and I thought, hmm … maybe is something I should consider a little longer than the second it took me to produce my first reaction. After all, since birth, J has never been a normal child by most definitions. On her first pediatric visit after she was born, the doctor told me: "Look at her eyes. See how she's taking in everything going on? She's going to be a challenge to raise." And I soon learned that he was oh so right. By 18 months, she was talking in sentences and her first sentence was "I do it." With a fierce sense of independence, willfulness beyond anything I’ve ever seen, and a scary high IQ - well, let's just say that life since J has never been dull. But stressed? Maybe me, but her? I wasn't quite seeing it. In fact, J has never been one to spend a lot of time worrying about tests because so far she's been able to pretty much ace them without a whole lot of studying. But, as I said, the email made me think. Am I missing something here?

 

So naturally, I spoke to J about it. And as most 13 year olds do, she pretty much blew it off. “I’m not stressed,” she said. “Well, did you get upset in class over a 93?” I asked. “I don’t know. Maybe. When I make stupid mistakes and I know I could have done better, I guess I get a little upset. What’s the big deal?”

Good question. Is it a big deal for a high-achieving kid to get upset over a test grade they know they could have scored higher on? Is she stressing out over things she shouldn’t be stressing out over? Or is that competitiveness in her going to make a difference later in life, when she’s trying to get into the best colleges or trying to nab a job that a hundred other people are vying for? And how much do we, as high-achieving parents, push our kids to excel versus how much are they just wired that way?

 

I don’t have the answers. I’m not sure anyone else does either, but I’d like to hear your thoughts. I do know that kids these days do have a lot of pressure on their shoulders. Pressures like do well in school, participate in extracurricular activities, fit in with their peers, choose the right friends and relationships, get into a good college as well as other pressures more unique to their lives like divorce, family financial problems, bullying, etc. But are these pressures more or less extreme than the pressures and stressors children faced during the Depression or at any other challenging time in history? Again, I don’t know.

 

I am meeting with the teacher later today. I’m actually looking forward to it. I think it’ll be interesting. I’ll keep you posted.