Kids Feel the Stress Too
To all my high-achieving moms, keeping up with your older kids and especially their moods can be difficult. But with all the stress going around these days with the changes in the economy, it's more important than ever to pay extra attention to how they're doing. Now certainly, if you have an older tween or a teen, you know that moodiness isn't unusual. Simply put, transitioning from childhood to adolescence is a fairly stressful time of life for many kids. Hormones, body changes, peer pressure, wanting to fit in - that's been a part of teens' lives for a long time - and it's usually normal stress, which isn't "bad" stress. However, in the past year, as the worsening economy has negatively impacted a large majority of adults around the world, the stress for children has increased.
Why? Because children are especially attuned to the moods of their parents and other family members, such as grandparents, aunts, and uncles. When the tension in the family and around the house increases, so does the tension inside kids. Worries and fears that many kids of the late 1990s and early 2000s never had to face, such as their parents' losing their jobs, their grandparents losing their retirement savings, the loss of the family home (which often means a change of school and loss of friends at the old school), and more disagreement/arguing over money among family members, is now a fact of life for many children. While younger children may sense this stress, older children not only sense it, they also have the ability to understand it, making it even more difficult for them to cope with it because in many ways they have little control over the changes happening to their lives.
How can you help them through these difficult times? Here are a few tips.
1) Let them know that stress is a normal and necessary part of life. Stress is only bad when it's present all the time (or most of the time) and they have no strategies for coping with it. The standard stress management techniques that work for adults, such as breathing exercises, positive imagery, exercise, listening to music, writing in a journal, etc., also can work for teens. Encourage them to explore which strategies work best for them and to use these strategies when they're feeling particularly stressed.
2) Allow them to become a part of the solutions - within limits. As noted earlier, teens are old enough to not only sense the stress in the family, they're also old enough to understand it. In short, you're not going to be able to hide it from them, and you shouldn't even try. In fact, they may feel better if you share some of the reasons you're more stressed lately and let them be a part of the problem-solving, such as cutting back on spending and budgeting. However, you have to be careful not to share too much with them. Kids are still kids and they don't need all the gory details. For example, they don't need to know that if you don't find a new job in ___ period of time, you'll lose your home. But you can tell them that it's important that you find a new job to cover the expenses and that's why you're going to be spending a lot of time looking for a new job. For later teens, you can even tell them that if they hear of anything from their friends or their friends' parents about job openings to let you know, or if the teen is working and wants to help contribute to the household budget, why not? Generally speaking, though, the younger the child is, the fewer details they need know.
3) Help them cut down on stress they can control. Teens aren't as capable of anticipating or predicting outcomes as adults are. For instance, they may put off a school project until the last minute. Yes, I know! Adults do that, too, but teens often do it without anticipating how much stress they're adding to their plate by procrastinating. Another way to help them cut down on stress that can be controlled is by taking a good hard look at their schedules and cutting down on some of their activities. Even cutting out or cutting back on one thing a week can reduce stress.
4) Model stress management for your children. If you are running around frantic and stressed out all the time, how are your children going to learn anything else? Show them through your own actions that it's normal to feel stress, especially in times like these, but the stress doesn't have to control your life (or theirs).
5) Model positive thinking. It's the cup half empty, cup half full thing. Even some of the most negative things can be reframed with some kind of positive spin. "Yes, we have to move to a new house and it will be smaller, but that's less space we have to keep clean and you won't have to cut the grass." Nothing's perfect. If you're losing your house, that's bad. No question. But there is usually room for positive thinking even in the most negative of circumstances.
6) And last, but not least - keep the lines of communication open. Talk to your children about how they're feeling, what they're hearing at school and from their friends, and what they're worried about as much as they will allow it. Of course, they won't always want to share and that's okay. What's important is to let them know on a regular (but not annoying) basis that you're available to talk if they decide they want to share.
Why? Because children are especially attuned to the moods of their parents and other family members, such as grandparents, aunts, and uncles. When the tension in the family and around the house increases, so does the tension inside kids. Worries and fears that many kids of the late 1990s and early 2000s never had to face, such as their parents' losing their jobs, their grandparents losing their retirement savings, the loss of the family home (which often means a change of school and loss of friends at the old school), and more disagreement/arguing over money among family members, is now a fact of life for many children. While younger children may sense this stress, older children not only sense it, they also have the ability to understand it, making it even more difficult for them to cope with it because in many ways they have little control over the changes happening to their lives.
How can you help them through these difficult times? Here are a few tips.
1) Let them know that stress is a normal and necessary part of life. Stress is only bad when it's present all the time (or most of the time) and they have no strategies for coping with it. The standard stress management techniques that work for adults, such as breathing exercises, positive imagery, exercise, listening to music, writing in a journal, etc., also can work for teens. Encourage them to explore which strategies work best for them and to use these strategies when they're feeling particularly stressed.
2) Allow them to become a part of the solutions - within limits. As noted earlier, teens are old enough to not only sense the stress in the family, they're also old enough to understand it. In short, you're not going to be able to hide it from them, and you shouldn't even try. In fact, they may feel better if you share some of the reasons you're more stressed lately and let them be a part of the problem-solving, such as cutting back on spending and budgeting. However, you have to be careful not to share too much with them. Kids are still kids and they don't need all the gory details. For example, they don't need to know that if you don't find a new job in ___ period of time, you'll lose your home. But you can tell them that it's important that you find a new job to cover the expenses and that's why you're going to be spending a lot of time looking for a new job. For later teens, you can even tell them that if they hear of anything from their friends or their friends' parents about job openings to let you know, or if the teen is working and wants to help contribute to the household budget, why not? Generally speaking, though, the younger the child is, the fewer details they need know.
3) Help them cut down on stress they can control. Teens aren't as capable of anticipating or predicting outcomes as adults are. For instance, they may put off a school project until the last minute. Yes, I know! Adults do that, too, but teens often do it without anticipating how much stress they're adding to their plate by procrastinating. Another way to help them cut down on stress that can be controlled is by taking a good hard look at their schedules and cutting down on some of their activities. Even cutting out or cutting back on one thing a week can reduce stress.
4) Model stress management for your children. If you are running around frantic and stressed out all the time, how are your children going to learn anything else? Show them through your own actions that it's normal to feel stress, especially in times like these, but the stress doesn't have to control your life (or theirs).
5) Model positive thinking. It's the cup half empty, cup half full thing. Even some of the most negative things can be reframed with some kind of positive spin. "Yes, we have to move to a new house and it will be smaller, but that's less space we have to keep clean and you won't have to cut the grass." Nothing's perfect. If you're losing your house, that's bad. No question. But there is usually room for positive thinking even in the most negative of circumstances.
6) And last, but not least - keep the lines of communication open. Talk to your children about how they're feeling, what they're hearing at school and from their friends, and what they're worried about as much as they will allow it. Of course, they won't always want to share and that's okay. What's important is to let them know on a regular (but not annoying) basis that you're available to talk if they decide they want to share.
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