Domestically Challenged? So What
After leaving a holiday party recently, a friend of mine commented: “Okay, how inadequate do I feel? That woman,” she said, referring to the party host, “cooked everything on that buffet, her house was spotless, there wasn’t a thing out of place, and she did it all herself. Dream on, huh?”
“Dream?” I responded. “More like a nightmare if you ask me.”
“What do you mean?” my friend asked. “Wouldn’t you like to be able to do that?”
“No,” I answered. “And neither would you. You can barely stand going to the grocery store for milk.”
My friend reflected for a moment. “I guess you’re right. It just seems like it’s something I should be able to do.”
Seems like something I should be able to do? I thought. Where in the world do we come up with these scripts?
I, for one, have never been domestically inclined … so much so that I refer to myself as "domestically challenged" (since "retarded" is no longer a socially sensitive term). But thankfully, I have never felt guilty about it. Whenever someone makes a comment to suggest that I "should" be more domestically inclined, I simply say that my strengths lie elsewhere. In fact, I had friends over for dinner the other night and one of them needed to heat up a dip they brought over. She asked me how to work the oven and I truly had no idea. I'd never used the thing. But with a little help from my other friends who were more domestically inclined, she figured it out and we all had a good laugh over it.
A lot of successful women feel guilty, or worse, see it as a failure if they don't excel in everything they do. But that's just not true! I know a lot of exceptional women and not a single one excels in every thing they do. We all have strengths and weaknesses, but how many women kick themselves for not enjoying chewing tobacco? Or not enjoying sitting in a tree and shooting at defenseless animals? Or anything else they might not enjoy or might not be good at? My point is - who defines what you "should" be good at? YOU (and others if you allow it)!
The only woman I know of who excelled in everything she did was Superwoman. And I often have to remind my high-achieving friends, colleagues, and clients that Superwoman is a fictional character! As good as you may be at the thousand things you do, you're not Superwoman. Can't be. She's not real.
So if you’re beating yourself up because you’re not floating on air, humming a happy tune in the kitchen, like June Cleaver, let it go. There are a lot of other things to stress out about in today's world. Not being June Cleaver is not one of them. So when you're home, do what you can do. Who cares if it's perfect or not as good as what others can do or what you can do at work? Simply stated, don't define home and work using the same standards. For many successful women, the two don't compare, but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy something you're not "as good" at. Give it a chance without the pressure to excel at it; just enjoy it for what it is or grin and bear it without the guilt. Most importantly, don't be afraid to laugh at yourself. Laughter is a great stress reliever if you allow yourself to use it. If you try something domestic and mess it up royally, so what? Laugh about it. At least you tried. Remember ... sometimes the journey (for example, making the pie) is more important and more enjoyable than the final destination (what it tastes like).
Dr. Sherrie,
I feel way guilty over not being a "good housewife." My husband becaome quite angry whenever the house is not clean and dinner is not ready when he gets home from the office. But I am no good at either of the above. In these tough economic times we can't afford a maid. How do I get through to him and eliminate all of the tension and arguing?
Thanks,
Charette
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Hi Charette,
It would help if I knew a little more about your specific situation. For example, do you work outside the home as well? Was there some sort of agreement the two of you made at some point that you would be responsible for X (domestic responsibilities?)and he would be responsible for Y (income generating outside the home?), and his anger is because he does not feel you're "living up to your end of the bargain?" Whatever the case is, though, a frank discussion is probably the best plan of action. Have you sat down with him and explained how you feel and brainstormed solutions that you both can live with? So often when there is anger and tension in relationships, the real issues get ignored rather than frankly talked about with the goal of coming up with a workable plan where you both can be happy with the outcome. I'd start there and see where it leads. Also, if your strengths don't lie in being a "housewife," where do your strengths lie? Are there ways you can pursue what you do enjoy and excel at, and use that to generate some additional income that will help you afford to hire domestic help? In the end, houses have to be kept in livable conditions and we all have to eat, but that doesn't mean you have to be the one to do those things, especially if you and your husband together can come up with some reasonable alternatives. Action in a positive direction is often the best remedy for guilt.
Good luck and Happy New Year,
Sherrie Bourg Carter
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Men just see housework as a feminine thing. They can't get past that. It is the same way for me and my boyfriend. He acutally gets upset if I don't pick up after him when I get home from a full day of work and he has been home all day. It is pointless. Their brain doesn't go there. Trust me. I have tried many times. I think it has something to do with male hormones or genetics.
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Maybe, but with today's economic woes and the huge percentage of men being laid off compared to women, a lot of men are having to change the way they view a lot of things, including domestic responsibiities ... whether they like it or not.
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Dr. Bourg Carter,
I have recently separated from my husband. He was very sexist and he was verbally abusive towards me. Our two children (7 year old boy and 5 year old girl) saw all of this occur and how he expected me to do everything around the house. How do I get them to see things differently so that they will not do the same thing or allow the same thing to happen to them? Thank you for being there for women!
Shelly (Georgia)
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Children learn best by example, and the example you set by leaving an abusive relationship is a great example to start them off with. So kudos to you! You can also reinforce that example if and when your children, as children tend to do, ask you why you and their father are no longer together. While I don't endorse bad-mouthing the other parent to children, you can certainly express your views and feelings without denigrating their dad (i.e., "I didn't like the way I was being treated" or "I thought I should be treated better than I was being treated.").
As for the future, a lot will depend on how much exposure they continue to have to those same inappropriate behaviors. In other words, will he continue to treat you that way even though you're separated or will they see him at some point in the future treat other women that way? If so, you should try to limit that exposure as much as possible (without violating whatever child-sharing arrangements the two of you have made or the court has established). You also should keep setting examples that will counter this. For example, you can set strong examples for them by being assertive and standing up for yourself. Expose them to male family members or male friends who you trust and who treat women respectfully. And expose them to other women who are strong and powerful in their own lives.
In addition, if your children like to read or to be read to, find age-appropriate books with strong female characters, positive and respectful male characters, and/or characters involved in healthy and respectful relationships. I personally am a big fan of "The Paper Bag Princess" by Robert Munsch. I've also included a link below for other "girl power" books.
http://www.planetesme.com/girlpower.html
Finally, your children are young. Spend time watching them play with each other as well as with other children. If you see any behavior on either of their parts that suggests they've incorporated the kind of sexist thinking or behaviors they saw directed toward you during your marriage, gently correct it and guide them to "re-do" or "re-state" whatever they did or said in a more gender-sensitive way. As I said, your children are young. They have many more years of "social" learning ahead of them, and with a mom who is aware of and sensitive to these issues, hopefully guiding them by example, very good things can happen. I hope that they do.
Best of luck!
Sherrie Bourg Carter
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