High-Achieving Women: Recent Comments

Comment on Domestically Challenged? So What

2010-01-10T03:21:47Z

Children learn best by example, and the example you set by leaving an abusive relationship is a great example to start them off with. So kudos to you! You can also reinforce that example if and when your children, as children tend to do, ask you why you and their father are no longer together. While I don't endorse bad-mouthing the other parent to children, you can certainly express your views and feelings without denigrating their dad (i.e., "I didn't like the way I was being treated" or "I thought I should be treated better than I was being treated.").

As for the future, a lot will depend on how much exposure they continue to have to those same inappropriate behaviors. In other words, will he continue to treat you that way even though you're separated or will they see him at some point in the future treat other women that way? If so, you should try to limit that exposure as much as possible (without violating whatever child-sharing arrangements the two of you have made or the court has established). You also should keep setting examples that will counter this. For example, you can set strong examples for them by being assertive and standing up for yourself. Expose them to male family members or male friends who you trust and who treat women respectfully. And expose them to other women who are strong and powerful in their own lives.

In addition, if your children like to read or to be read to, find age-appropriate books with strong female characters, positive and respectful male characters, and/or characters involved in healthy and respectful relationships. I personally am a big fan of "The Paper Bag Princess" by Robert Munsch. I've also included a link below for other "girl power" books.

http://www.planetesme.com/girlpower.html

Finally, your children are young. Spend time watching them play with each other as well as with other children. If you see any behavior on either of their parts that suggests they've incorporated the kind of sexist thinking or behaviors they saw directed toward you during your marriage, gently correct it and guide them to "re-do" or "re-state" whatever they did or said in a more gender-sensitive way. As I said, your children are young. They have many more years of "social" learning ahead of them, and with a mom who is aware of and sensitive to these issues, hopefully guiding them by example, very good things can happen. I hope that they do.

Best of luck!

Sherrie Bourg Carter

Comment on Domestically Challenged? So What

2010-01-10T01:59:35Z

Dr. Bourg Carter,

I have recently separated from my husband. He was very sexist and he was verbally abusive towards me. Our two children (7 year old boy and 5 year old girl) saw all of this occur and how he expected me to do everything around the house. How do I get them to see things differently so that they will not do the same thing or allow the same thing to happen to them? Thank you for being there for women!

Shelly (Georgia)

Comment on Domestically Challenged? So What

2010-01-03T18:17:59Z

Maybe, but with today's economic woes and the huge percentage of men being laid off compared to women, a lot of men are having to change the way they view a lot of things, including domestic responsibiities ... whether they like it or not.

Comment on Domestically Challenged? So What

2010-01-03T16:17:42Z

Men just see housework as a feminine thing. They can't get past that. It is the same way for me and my boyfriend. He acutally gets upset if I don't pick up after him when I get home from a full day of work and he has been home all day. It is pointless. Their brain doesn't go there. Trust me. I have tried many times. I think it has something to do with male hormones or genetics.

Comment on Domestically Challenged? So What

2010-01-01T17:25:13Z

Hi Charette,

It would help if I knew a little more about your specific situation. For example, do you work outside the home as well? Was there some sort of agreement the two of you made at some point that you would be responsible for X (domestic responsibilities?)and he would be responsible for Y (income generating outside the home?), and his anger is because he does not feel you're "living up to your end of the bargain?" Whatever the case is, though, a frank discussion is probably the best plan of action. Have you sat down with him and explained how you feel and brainstormed solutions that you both can live with? So often when there is anger and tension in relationships, the real issues get ignored rather than frankly talked about with the goal of coming up with a workable plan where you both can be happy with the outcome. I'd start there and see where it leads. Also, if your strengths don't lie in being a "housewife," where do your strengths lie? Are there ways you can pursue what you do enjoy and excel at, and use that to generate some additional income that will help you afford to hire domestic help? In the end, houses have to be kept in livable conditions and we all have to eat, but that doesn't mean you have to be the one to do those things, especially if you and your husband together can come up with some reasonable alternatives. Action in a positive direction is often the best remedy for guilt.

Good luck and Happy New Year,

Sherrie Bourg Carter

Comment on Domestically Challenged? So What

2010-01-01T16:37:32Z

Dr. Sherrie,

I feel way guilty over not being a "good housewife." My husband becaome quite angry whenever the house is not clean and dinner is not ready when he gets home from the office. But I am no good at either of the above. In these tough economic times we can't afford a maid. How do I get through to him and eliminate all of the tension and arguing?

Thanks,

Charette

Comment on To Those Who Dream to Be a Writer

2009-12-20T05:02:09Z

Dr. Bourg Carter,

Please write some more columns. Many of us look forward to reading them.

Kelly

Comment on Where have I been?

2009-12-01T02:57:17Z

Dr. Sherrie! I am so very glad to see you back again! We really missed you! No one puts the kind of spin on things that you do. It makes me think about things in a different way. Can you write about relationships sometime? Mine is driving me a little crazy! :)

Comment on The Place of Women on the Supreme Court: A New York Times Article

2009-11-30T18:46:10Z

Hi Janelle! Thanks for checking in. I am so glad you enjoy the site. Yes, I have been missing in action for a while, and I apologize for that. My real job (psychologist) always gets busier toward the end of the year AND my dream job (writing) has picked up as well. In addition to writing for Excelle (formerly WomenCo), I just signed a book deal with Prometheus Press (yeah!) and have been busy writing to meet that deadline, which is a 70,000 word book by March, 2010. But enough excuses! I'm making my New Year's Resolution a month early ... keep blogging. Thanks! And please keep posting and sending people to the site!

Comment on The Place of Women on the Supreme Court: A New York Times Article

2009-11-29T04:23:42Z

Sherrie! Where did you go? Why did people stop blogging. I love this site. It makes me feel good about myself. I was telling my friends about it too. We spoke about some of your columns over breakfast. Please come back!